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I grew up in a community that was primarily white middle class so if you asked my younger self to define beauty I would most likely say;
"Skinny, long straight hair, tall and flawless skin, if not at least flawless make-up"
My group of friends were essentially tall white women with long straight hair. I noticed my differentness a lot when I was approaching the end of my primary school education, my hair wasn’t long and straight it was short and kinky.
By the time high school rolled around I did anything and everything to fit in to be like them. I eventually realized what type of beauty was considered desirable. Long flowing, wind blowing, straight hair. I was trying to look for options and ways to look like that. I didn’t want to be that tom boy looking girl with kinky hair and braids. I wanted long, wind blowing hair.
By grade 8 I had discovered the "creamy crack" or as many of you know it as the perm. When I saw the results of my hair I was...I was... I was disappointed to be honest. My hair wasn’t long it was pretty short, just above shoulder length, but I shrugged it off and though well at least it was straight. Eventually I wasn't satisfied and by the end of grade 9 I had discovered the weave. I’ll never forget the feeling I had when my first weave was installed all of a sudden my confidence shot way up I had really considered myself beautiful for the first time. My mother had always made it a point to tell me I am beautiful ( and another point to remind me the hair I was wearing wasn’t mine) but it’s one thing hear your beautiful it was another to actually feel it .It was like a terrible high that I refused from coming down from. Between the ages of 13 and 25 I had permed and weaved my hair religiously! Every time I had my hair permed and weave I had a pep in my step, I really thought I was hot especially since I started to attract more male attention.
I knew my mentality and behavior towards beauty was questionable during my years in university. I particularly remembered my friend was doing a course in which she had to do a paper on the topic of her choice. The subject she chose was hair and perceived beauty in the African American community. In order for her to finish her paper she had conduct interviews among her black peers and then use her findings and intergrate it in her paper.She had ask to interview me which I gladly obliged, she then explained to me the point of her interview and then started to ask me questions all round the topic of black hair. The one question that had me stomped was when she asked what did I think good hair was. As I am telling her what it meant for me I had a realization on how wrong my answer was . I had bought into society’s definition of beauty and was essentially saying that beauty is everything we see on TV especially when it came to hair, beauty was eurocentric . But like every addict you know what you’re doing is wrong but it’s no big deal as long as I still look good it can’t be that bad ...right?
Wrong!
As the years went by my hair started thinning out and no matter what I did it was just breaking and getting shorter and shorter .I did everything and anything to get it to stop breaking, from changing my diet , drinking water to using every hair product . Nothing was helping. As much as I loved the weave I really wanted to be able to wear my own hair, long and healthy. Eventually the best I could do was cut my hair really short and although it looked nice it was the opposite of what I wanted and I was quite sadden by it. The worst part was I had seen Chris Rock's documentary good hair and seeing the extensive amount of damage that a perm can do to your hair and how it essentially makes you go bald. But of course I was an addict even though the proof was there I thought I was invincible and that it could never happen to me. Eventually you get shaken into reality, my hair wasnt getting better and I knew at that point something needed to change.
Recently I have noticed a wave of black women going natural and they're rocking beautiful hair styles. As much as I liked them I wasn’t sure it was for me. All I could remember was being 6 and crying every time my mother would do my hair, so as much as it looked nice my childhood memory was to taunting to go back. I thought well I’m sure my hair will start to grow, another way to add insult to injury. My hair just kept getting worst and worst to the point where I didn’t care anymore and eventually didn’t care to look good anymore. It’s really true what they say a woman’s beauty is her hair.
Over the past three years I have noticed people in my entourage that transitioned from perm to natural and when I’ve seen their hair it looked amazing. At that point I started looking more and more into natural hair and the different hairstyles. It wasn’t until one day after just having my hair permed and having a discussion with my boyfriend and taking a look in the mirror did I realize I didn’t like what I see. I was tired of my hair looking weak unhealthy and short. I decided it was time for a change. I started researching more into it and asked people who also transitioned for their opinion and guidance.
I won’t lie its not easy and I'll still have to wear extensions as weave because I have to give my hair the time to grow and to grow out my permed ends. One thing I have been reminded over and over again that it will take time before you see results. Not only did I decide to do this for me but I wanted to do this for my unborn daughter. I want her to embrace her natural beauty something I never did. I was so preoccupied with fitting into a beauty standard that was never meant for me to begin with. I would like her to see her mom with natural hair and see that being natural is beautiful and to embrace it!!!